In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
