Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
As shirtless as possible
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize