My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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