you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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