He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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