Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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