Do you still have your period?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
