I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
