you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
