so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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