I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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