Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize