omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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