It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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