It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
