he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
