we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
