i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's blow job season.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
