"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
