dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
