life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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