everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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