Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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