I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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