i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize