I am midnight drunk by noon
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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