A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize