i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
