Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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