I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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