____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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