In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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