I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
