And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
cat food counts as protein by the way
oh god was she eating orange peels again
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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