I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
