It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
