i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
