You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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