When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
