I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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