I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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