that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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