I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
