She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
How naked do you want me to be?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
