I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
