genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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