Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
