Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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