I don't usually arrange sex via text message
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
