finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
