someone threw a dead crab at me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize