Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Who died my cat blue again?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize