drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
