i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
