What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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