here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize