I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
FUCK WHALES
Holy shit dude........stairs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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