You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
