I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's never too late to be topless.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
